From the Petty King of Mumu to the Great Emperor of Éire [1/2]

Prelude

Many years later, as he saw the imperial borders of Éire restored, King Murchad VII was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover corpses on the battlefield.

Chapter One: From Zero to Hero

Petty King Mumu, Sep 1066

You, Petty King Murchad III of Mumu, is the ruler of the prosperous lands of Tuadhmhumhain (don’t laugh, this place actually existed), head of the Ua-Briain Dynasty that has once ruled over Éire (the Irish name for Ireland) … a long, long time ago.

Years fled by, months crept on. The once glorious, invincible empire of mighty Éire under the reign of Chief-Emperor Cormac Cas Dal gCais the “Diligent” has become the ashes of history. Tales and legends of the legacies of ancient times are told from Deasmhumhain to Tir Eoghain. And you, one true heir of the Old Gods, have just succeeded to the throne and taken it upon yourself to restore the legendaries, demanding obedience from vassals and subjugating adjacent lieges to exert dominant control over the Irish lands.

Long live the King!

Step 1. We lie, we cheat, we steal

The first thing you want to do, your Majesty, is to send your chancellor to fabricate claims on land titles held by foreign rulers. Uniting the long-divided realm requires you to be the most dominant power on the island, both physically and militarily. Unlike modern warfare, however, expansions and conquests in the medieval time required justified claims (or casus belli) on a particular county, duchy, or kingdom, and that casus belli determines what you get when the war is won (or lost).

After successfully gaining a claim, you could (and definitely shall) immediately press it, confidently declaring that “I, King Murchad III, son of King Murchad II, grandson of King Murchad I, is the rightful ruler of Mummmhmmmhumhumhain, for my grand-grand-grand-father’s half-brother’s lover’s ex-husband’s liege’s comrade-in-arm, has once ruled over this land! Meet me on the battlefield, you treacherous usurper, will you?!”

Beware of the potential risks, though! - for your deceitful schemes might be discovered by the infuriated nobles, causing significant setbacks to your prestige and trust.

And now you find yourself in a war. How, then, should you win it?

Step 2: Build a Grand Army

You immediately rally a troop of a total of 1007 brave men, some from your own demesne and others from your loyal vassals. Commanding the army all by yourself, the toughest warrior of the British Isles, you assertively and ambitiously march your men across the borders into the barony of Luimneach and meet with an enemy force!

“Hoorah! Hoorrrrrah!” One moment you are shouting orders, surrounded by the clanging of swords and shields. Then you find yourself lying in a mixture of blood and mud, struggling to even make a stand. Gingerly pulling the spear from your cheek with your last strength, your memory fades, and...

You eventually wake up. Your chancellor tells you that your army was defeated, suffering significant casualties!! An astonishing, disgraceful defeat!

Well, medieval warfare is a topic no less complicated than blitzkriegs or vernichtungsschlachts. As a starter, your levies are mainly composed of a bunch of crappy, unwashed masses, indistinguishable peasants who are willing to die for just a few measly pieces of gold you throw their way. Retinues, which you, unfortunately, lack at the moment, on the other hand, are more specialist troops, giving you more control over precisely how you win your wars.

Learn a hard lesson from your defeat, King Murchad, will you? While retreating your remnants, you should also try to slowly consolidate your forces by enlisting several knights and man-at-arms. To secure a decisive victory for the next battle, you’ll want to borrow 300 ducats from Jewish merchants, most of which will be wisely used to pay for the Swiss Band, a group of the most renowned pikemen on continental Europe. It might cost you a fortune, but it will prove to be totally worth it, as the highly-disciplined Swiss mercenaries will fight alongside you through thick and thin (although mostly the thick of battle).

You will also need to promote a dozen highly skilled commanders from the ranks of your army and - ha! - you’re once again ready for a battle! This time, it turned out to be a stunning success! About 2345 Mumu troops were met with 1234 scattered Leinster men, who lost most of their forces!

What you then would decide to do is quite apparent. Launching Operation Fire Flamingo, you quickly seized the city of Hummmmhhhmumhumhain and sieged down the enemy’s capital, Mummmhmmmhumhumhain, with very little opposition. An armistice was signed in Muhhhhmhhhmuhmumhain, with your opponents surrendering to your might! All hail King Murchad! All hail Petty Kingdom of Mumu!

Hurrah!

Hurrah!

Hurrah!

Step 3: L’état, c’est moi!

It’s time for a grand celebration, eh? But let’s hang on for a sec. Rapid expansion of territory in a warmongering manner is, my Lord, often preconditioned and sustained by a decent economy at home. Milk as much money out of those ignorant lowlives as possible - their lives simply don’t matter. What if there’s a peasant revolt? Crackdown! A bunch of grumpy farmers will melt away like ashes when faced upon a regiment of well-equipped knights. “Cut them down! All of them! In their hearts, in their blood!”

The aristocracy, on the other hand, is a somewhat trickier resource. A wise liege usually has two paths when it comes to vassal management: either becoming a temperate, charitable, and gregarious king that keeps his realm together through his silver lips; or making himself a cruel, tyrannical ruler who their vassals are intimidated or even terrified by. Being dreadful, for one thing, is an excellent tool to keep a mutinous realm under control. Yet a hidden risk of being an avid tyrant comes with a loss of clergy opinion, so make sure not to go too far in provoking the Pope who might put you under an excommunication. Have the nobility in control, and they will bend their knees to your authority, rendering you the necessary help in leading your empire to greatness. Play your cards wrong, however, and they will rise up as pretenders in an attempt to seize your delicate throne.

Having a stable control over domestic affairs is crucially beneficial in many ways, my King. Relatively centralized and absolutist realms, with a notable example of the Ottoman Sultanate, are in a better defensive position than their decentralized counterparts, such as the Kingdom of France or the Holy Roman Empire. A high Crown Authority also allows you to pass laws that suit your interest, including the freedom of doing things like title revocation or war declaration (without opposition from the council).

After some consolidation, it’s time for further conquests! What will happen to King Murchad’s reign next? Will he see his Petty Kingdom of Mumu acquiring more and more counties and rising to Ireland’s hegemony, or will it be annihilated from the scrolls of history? That’s all for today. Until my next episode, have a great week (or two)!