What We Put On Others' Shoulders (LGBTQ+)

First, before I get to anything at all, I would like to clarify that I am completely in support of the LGBTQ+ community. As a proud member of it, I firmly believe in this movement which is changing the world to be a more accepting and fair place for all of us.

Also, sorry I got a bit emotional and “poetic” at the end… I’ve been taking meds.

Introduction… Kind of

Now, a brief introduction to the background of the problem I shall illustrate in this article.

Since June 1969, the time at which the Stonewall riots for a better world broke out, the LGBTQ+ movement has gained traction and momentum. Governments have repealed laws which discriminated against this community and people have gained knowledge on who we truly are. Each June, in memory of the Stonewall protests, there is Pride month, and more specifically Pride day on the 27th. On this day, those within and supporting the LGBTQ+ community celebrate and commemorate how far we have come in the fight for equality and fairness.

So, where there’s lots of good things... now comes the but.

The Problem:

The phenomena I am going to talk about today is something negative which is a mix of inadvertent pressure from peers and the reshaping of social norms. Unfortunately, this is especially prevalent in environments where LGBTQ+ people and communities are widely accepted. This problem is the obligation certain allies and close friends may feel to put a tag or label (e.g. coming out as LGBTQ+) on themselves, even while they believe that they are not. I will admit that this is not something as pressing a problem as the exclusion of LGBTQ+ individuals, or the pressure to hide one’s identity, but, it is still something which must be looked at and acknowledged and we need to understand that there are individuals out there heavily impacted by this.

So, let’s take a look at this in action.

Say there is one James Doe, who identifies as a straight, cisgender male, and is close friends to many LGBTQ+ individuals. He is also a close ally to the movement and joins the various rallies and protests around the world.

This James Doe, unlike so many Bobs and Janes and Alex's used as example human beings, has a personality and a backstory. (And by no means am I saying that this personality is bad.) He has friends, but none of them close. Those who he can confide in aren’t always the ones he can trust, but then, he doesn’t really have a choice. He also succumbs to peer pressure, easily. Laughing at every one of his friends jokes even if he doesn’t understand them. He wants to be closer to his friends, in fact, he joined the movement as an ally due to his friends. (Which is, undoubtedly, a good thing. Regardless of how he got to that point.) Yet every single time, when they talk about their troubles, their feelings, and he does as well, there always seems to be that moment when they look at him, as if he shouldn’t, or couldn’t feel that way, that moment when he still just did not fit in, because of his identity.

Again, few situations are like this. For the most part, relations within the community and with the people who support it are very positive. However, a ‘James’ in a situation like this can lead to the problem I have outlined; coming out as LGBTQ+, even when deep down, they never felt like they were. Isn’t this the opposite of what we wanted to achieve after all the protests and rallies? Isn’t the final goal acceptance and fairness and freedom to express and present oneself for everyone? These ‘James’s out there shouldn’t feel pressured in this way, yet they do, and the me a few months ago is living proof of that.

For people who are LGBTQ+ to become normalised and accepted. For us to have what straight and cisgender individuals have. To be seen as just another part of the common people. To have this problem is an aberration in our tracks, never should our goal have been to exert pressure on straight and cisgender individuals to identify differently from what they feel, yet this is happening. And though rare, this should never be ignored. I believe that this is caused by a shifting of social norms, and as our community becomes integrated and accepted into the world, it is still viewed as “different”, my hopes are that this will change.

Back to hypothetical James. This pressure unconsciously exerted upon him has become immense over time. As his peers asked him again and again whether he had ‘changed’, being disappointed time and time again, James felt more and more that he needed to be ‘something’ instead of ‘nothing’. Because at this point, in his social group, LGBTQ+ has become the prior, and straight/cis has become the latter - again, was this ever the purpose of the movement? No. This is just as unhealthy as when we are stopped from coming out, or regarded differently (shamed, disparaged, like Alan Turing) when we did, perhaps even more so. Because at the roots, both are forms of one thing: pressure against presenting oneself as who they really are. And if the movement is all about that, then wouldn’t you say that what ‘James’ has been pushed into is one of the things the movement has tried to eradicate? Obviously, what’s happening is wrong, but how wrong is it? Well…

James caught that thought, and in the echo chamber his subconscious mind has become, having no one to talk to, nothing, something, straight, gay, nothing, something... And on one fateful, sweltering summer day, when his friends asked him once again that same question, his answer was different. And so his friends cheered. They were used to turning away, a glint of disappointment and ‘whatever’ on their face, and James was used to that as well, but today… No, today was different, they gasped in delight, patting him on the back, they celebrated. And as his friends looked at him, smiling, James did as well, yet his eyes contained no mirth. Because he knew that he could not take that back, for the judgement and the disappointment would be too much.

Does James have to pretend to be someone he is not, to feel something he does not, to hide his true self in a closet? A closet that we are so familiar with?

I know that at this point, many will scoff.

“Why would someone do that?”

“He should be happy as an ally, to be where he is...”

“Those are just his friends being horrible, no one would ever do that!”

But when you are so desperately passionate about something, when you fight for the justice of an entire group of people, when you shout and chant, yet the people you are fighting for… they look at you, perhaps with gratitude, perhaps with joy, but perhaps always with an undercurrent, weak or strong: “why are you here, intruder?”

And let me justify that, because I know that in the prior sentence, someone is going to get triggered. How? Well, seeing as to there is a debate within the LGBTQ+ community on whether allies are in fact part of us… seeing as to some people actually think that they ‘don’t belong’, the “why are you here, intruder” still rings true and strong.

And when they look at you with that judgemental look, and ask that, whether it is with or without words, in a soothing or aggressive way.

When they do, and when that ‘they’ are your buddies, your mates, it becomes painful as bloody hell.

“You don’t understand.”

“You can’t feel that way”

“But that’s so boring...”

“Why do you think that comes close to how I feel?”

“What makes you think that that’s painful?”

“Why do you even try to glimpse something you cannot possibly go through?”

“How dare you?”

Painful.

Painful, when they make something exclusive.

Painful, when they think that “you don’t get it”.

Painful, when they think that you don’t have your own demons to face.

Painful, when their faces so serene and warm and pleasant snarl in defence.

Painful, when they never knew that you had your own stones on your back.

Painful, when they look at you, yet they don’t.

But you look at them, hopeful, looking for understanding...

And that’s painful.

The Solution:

Let me just say that there is no [direct] solution. And the ways in which these huge problems are solved don’t just pop up every Thursday afternoon in the ‘less-than-developed’ brain of Marcus’s. No, I can’t tell you what to do, other than ask you to think about what is best to do depending on your situation.

To be honest it has been a confusing time, in a confusing place.

But there are moments of clarity.

The solution is for you to think, to observe, and to notice.

To know that something is off.

That someone is being burned away

That somewhere, there is still injustice.

That in a tide of change, our tide, the currents sweep some away.

The whirlpools pull some down.

And in the deep and dark and perfect azure blue, someone is drowning.

So pull them out before they drown, in whatever way you deem right, because if you don’t do anything, the next time they surface, no life will be in those pupils, gleaming with the light of the bright sea.